My eyes look like red marbles peaking out of insect bites. When I cry, I really cry. It's apparent. Dean and I got into a big fight last night. A fight that's always about the same thing. The first night I moved in at the beginning of the summer, he invited several of his friends over at 2:30am when I was sound asleep in bed. We live in a studio apartment. They refused to leave. Dean and I got into a huge brawl. I almost ended it. We got therapy.
Every once in a while, it surfaces. Like when I see pictures of him hanging out with those friends. Cheese! They're all smiles. I feel ill. How can my future husband continue hanging out with people who refused to leave when they saw me in my tank top and undies pleading with them to please get the fuck out. It makes me feel disrespected.
So last night, I brought it up and we fought again. From his perspective, why do I continue to bring it up? From my perspective, I don't think I've ever fully forgiven him.
Today is our 6-month anniversary from the day that we met. Happy fucking anniversary.
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cathee, i don't doubt that if you terrorize this man enough he will eventually acquiesce and dump his friends, but...
ReplyDeletewhy would you do that to another human being? (let alone someone you supposedly love so much you want to spend the rest of your life with him.)
when the "husband" puzzle piece doesn't fit into your highly-structured life-plan puzzle, perhaps you could work to loosen the mold a bit, rather than snip away at his happiness and his ego until you can jam him into your definition of the perfect mate.
truly, do you love him or do you just love the idea of him?
hi kristen, thank you for the comment. you are right. i need to stop being selfish and give my fiance a break. he has shown me every day and every minute after the incident how much he loves me.
ReplyDeletei thought about your story this morning and i realized it was very similar to the first christmas gift exchange i had with "my" dean. i picked a fight with him and he left before i opened the gift. i opened it in a very annoyed state and of course didn't appreciate what he'd bought (a gucci watch.) whenever i see that watch i think about our fight and not how sweet it was for him to buy it for me.
ReplyDeleteif you're anything like i was, it's no coincidence that you picked a fight right before your anniversary. there's some sick & twisted joy in ruining otherwise joyous celebrations.
i like to call it "[fill in the blank]"
before, i used to think "no, this is different because this time i'm upset about ..." but once you see the pattern, it's easy to spot. it doesn't matter what [fill in the blank] is -- it's just an excuse to be miserable and delude ourselves into thinking it's somehow justified or not of our own doing.
this will continue to be a pattern until you remember to keep your emotions in check during those special times of year.
xxoo