Mismatch: Dating Shrek

Many years ago, at a low point in life, I dated an ugly guy.  I was depressed.  He was persistent. And after re-reading my favorite classics like Wuthering Heights, I figured it was time to pick myself off the ground.  I winced every time he came toward me, but couldn't stomach sitting on the couch only to again read depressing passages of Catherine and Heathcliff's forsaken love.  I thought going out would help my mood.  He was a good guy, albeit banal, broke, and bad on the eyes.

My cousin gawked that Thanksgiving, "So....who are you dating now?"

"Some loser."  I motioned for another piece of lumpia on the dining room table to avoid further conversation.

She continued, "Well, what does he look like?  What actor does he look like?"

Without a second hesitation, I replied, "He looks like Shrek.  He fucking looks like Shrek."

Depressed, I needed someone to take my mind off of me and everything I hated about myself. Shrek kept me company and very slightly made me feel better when he kept calling, trying to make me laugh and asking me on dates.

I thought of Shrek when I saw a profile picture of an ex-flame on Facebook with an ugly, acne-scarred Asian girl.  What's this?  I mused.  Did my engaged status force him to search for my doppelganger only to find a flawed replacement?  Is he still depressed from our breakup?  He's hot and she's so not.

We used to play this game--me and my friends--called "Who lucked out?"  Think of couples you know.  Who in the relationship lucked out? Let's take me and Dean.  Who lucked out?  Well Dean, of course!  I'm six years younger.  I bring a lot of my own hard-earned money into the marriage.  I own a home in the city of San Francisco.  I have an interesting background.  I have fun-loving family and friends.  And I'm forever hot.  In Dean's words, "I took one look at your mom and breathed a sigh of relief."

Let's take another couple: Brangelina.  Who lucked out?  Angelina! Brad Pitt is hot with a good family, stable, caring.  Angelina came with a lot of baggage...enough to charter a commercial flight.  That doesn't even cover her emotional baggage growing up the child of celebrities.  I mean, she's estranged from her father.  Danger, Brad Pitt.  RED FLAG!!!

Remember Sex and the City when Charlotte makes note of how she's a much better catch than bald, unrefined Harry?  Then we realize it's not all about looks and appearances which is what she had with sexually-deficient Trey.

Dating Shrek was an extreme mismatch and never should have happened to begin with.  That's not to say that physical mismatches don't work (queue ex-flame and Sandra Oh lookalike).  Just know that whether your friends say so or not, they're asking, 'Who lucked out?'